for epistemological

[corkscrewed]

[ further continued from this thread. ]

[ things are, for a few more days, pretty good. they make progress. they make tentative plans. martin spends a lot of time with jon, wrapped around him when they sleep, and they never manage to quite finish the movie.

so, yes: things are pretty great, until suddenly they aren't anymore.

it's a strain to hold out hope with both tim and daisy gone, with jon in the hospital, but he does because he has no choice. the circumstances are less than ideal when he finally meets georgie, but she seems to understand the situation by the look on martin's face when she comes into the hospital room with her coffee. she usually brings two coffees from that point on.

so he clings to hope, because he has to, and when that finally starts to fray? peter is there. peter, who promises him that he can help. that with jon gone - and jon is gone, he says with gentle urgency - that others are going to need to step up. that martin will, because that's the only way to keep everyone safe. sure, it won't be easy at first, but it will get easier, and he'll barely notice the difference. that concessions need to be made.

so martin agrees to those concessions, and georgie starts spending more time at the hospital, to pick up the slack that martin leaves.

and then jon wakes up. don't, peter tells him. if you want this to work, you can't. it'll be easier if you don't think about it.

it works for a while, too. not that it's gotten easier at all like peter promised (and he has, quietly, sent georgie a single message to ask if he's okay, because that's all he needs to make it), but because martin is stubborn. because he's this far in, and if he can be the one to keep everyone safe, then he will.

it's working well enough until the evening jon's office door opens, and martin swears under his breath. the expression jon will catch on him is surprise, panic, before it's carefully arranged into something more neutral. busted. ]

Comments

[corkscrewed]

[ it's because he was drinking, because he's not sober - but that's enough to get him to crack fully. with the warmth of jon's body against his, his hand against his arm, combined with the knowledge of how painfully fleeting this is going to be?

to his humiliation, he begins to simply weep. ]

Don't forget about me, Jon. If I- if something happens, if I don't-

[ if he becomes like peter lukas. if he manages to sever cleanly, sincerely, the few ties he has left - ]

I just don't want to be forgotten.

[epistemological]

[ He doesn't say anything while Martin weeps. He just holds him, lets his hand run up and down his side, nuzzles against his shoulder, presses soft kisses and murmurs nonsense reassurances, no actual words, but sounds spoken into the skin that work just as well. ]

Even if it weren't my job to remember...

I could never forget you, Martin.

[ And he won't forget him. Because he isn't going anywhere.]

[corkscrewed]

[ martin gives himself just a few minutes to cry it out, to savor the feeling of jon's face against his shoulder, the reassuring and gentle murmurs. finally, he rolls over, twisting in jon's arms to face him more directly.

he's careful; he doesn't want to exacerbate the injury at all, but he can't not see him right now. ]

Thank you.

[ whispered with a soft, fierce sincerity. ]

It - can't be so bad, then.

[epistemological]

[ He doesn't fuss at the turning but he does take the opportunity to give him a few more kisses, now that he's so easily accessible, after all.]

Don't thank me, Martin. I haven't done anything I wasn't planning on doing anyway.

[ He pushes up a little to get to Martin's temple.]

You should get some rest.

[corkscrewed]

For- coming over. For understanding. He said that you wouldn't.

[ martin sniffles one last time, before taking gentle hold of the side of jon's face, kissing him softly - and for a while. ]

Not yet. M'not ready to be finished yet.

[epistemological]

All right.

[ He doesn't have much more to say than that. Or he tries not to. It's not really his fault, now, is it? Martin's the one who brought it up. And Jon can't help the look he gets after a moment or two of thinking on it because-]

Of course he did.

[corkscrewed]

Don't say it like that. I- I trust him.

[ mostly. because he doesn't have a choice. ]

[epistemological]

[His expression goes just a little flat. ]

Don’t say things like that when I’m not allowed to ask you questions. Or point things out.

[Like the fact that you don’t. ]

[corkscrewed]

You know what I mean, Jon.

[ he kisses him again, a weird combination of drunk and frisky and too tired to do anything about it. his hand flattens against jon's chest, high on it, like he's afraid of going too low and aggravating the injury. ]

[epistemological]

I do indeed.

[ He kisses him back, sweet and a little teasing in his own way. Nuzzly as well.]

Missed kissing you.

[corkscrewed]

[ it gets him to smile, get some actual warmth on his face. ]

I missed it more. You were gone so long.

[epistemological]

It’s not a competition.

[He peppers a few on Martin’s jaw. ]

[corkscrewed]

Not trying to compete. Just- just objectively.

[ he's trying to relax, trying to just enjoy this for what it is, while it is. ]

And you won't tell Peter.

[epistemological]

[That has him pausing.]

Why would I?

[ though he continues quickly so it won’t count as a question ]

That would require actually meeting him.

[corkscrewed]

Guess most people don't have an easy time pinning him down.

[ he's shifting so, softly, he can nose at jon's throat. ]

Did you- do you have any questions for me? Other than- other than what I'm doing with Peter. 'Cos if you do- it's okay. I want you to know me.

[ he wants to make the most of this goodbye. ]

[epistemological]

[ Yes because they’ll both have to survive for a while on this. It will be... difficult. ]

I’d like to know... I suppose I’m curious as to when you- that is, when you decided you had feelings for me. In that, er, fashion.

[corkscrewed]

[ he considers that for a moment, before admitting: ]

Had a bit of a crush on you day one, if I'm gonna be honest with you here. I-I mean, don't get me wrong: you absolutely terrified me, too. I... probably would call it, um, feelings, I think, when you admitted to me- that time you admitted to me you weren't really a skeptic. That you really did believe in this stuff.

[ he rests his lips against jon's throat. ]

It was... something.

[epistemological]

[ His hand lifts up to run through Martin's hair a few times and his chest jumps a little, just a couple of tremors before it's clear that he's actually, well- just a little-]

For goodness sake, why?

[ That comes with a kiss to his temple and the chuckle shot through his words, unable to quite be contained.]

The terror or the, er, the 'crush'. Whichever you'd like.

[corkscrewed]

You were so - stern. Severe. You remember I- I went back into that creepy basement just because I was scared you'd accuse me of doing sloppy work. Again. [ he's smiling at the laugh, just because - wow, it's been a long time since he's heard anyone in real life actually laugh, hasn't it? ] You know that was a crime, right? I was afraid enough of your bad performance review to break and enter twice.

[ he's quiet for a moment, thoughtful, before- ]

And the crush because-- because you really just were a man, under it all. As scared of things as all of us.

[ another pause. more quietly: ]

Remember when you thought I was a ghost?

[epistemological]

[ You’re getting a face here, Martin. ]

...the whole thing made sense at the time. You kept saying how you couldn’t leave.

[corkscrewed]

A ghost.

[ come to think of it, martin's not sure when he's smiled this much last, either. ]

[epistemological]

I was reading about books that let you turn bones into pretzels! A ghost made plenty of sense.

[ He leans in to peck a sullen kiss. ]

Positively germane, considering.

[corkscrewed]

I guess so.

[ the sullen kiss is as much as he can take before he cracks up visibly, his shoulders shaking with swallowed laughter. ]

God, I still love you.

[epistemological]

Well, I'm glad for that at least. Star-crossed is one thing, but if you decided to up and grow better taste when I finally said something, I think I'd have had a bit of a fit.

[corkscrewed]

[ martin, who Always Knows The Right Thing To Say, wrinkles his nose and replies with: ]

Don't worry, Peter's old.