for epistemological

[corkscrewed]

[ further continued from this thread. ]

[ things are, for a few more days, pretty good. they make progress. they make tentative plans. martin spends a lot of time with jon, wrapped around him when they sleep, and they never manage to quite finish the movie.

so, yes: things are pretty great, until suddenly they aren't anymore.

it's a strain to hold out hope with both tim and daisy gone, with jon in the hospital, but he does because he has no choice. the circumstances are less than ideal when he finally meets georgie, but she seems to understand the situation by the look on martin's face when she comes into the hospital room with her coffee. she usually brings two coffees from that point on.

so he clings to hope, because he has to, and when that finally starts to fray? peter is there. peter, who promises him that he can help. that with jon gone - and jon is gone, he says with gentle urgency - that others are going to need to step up. that martin will, because that's the only way to keep everyone safe. sure, it won't be easy at first, but it will get easier, and he'll barely notice the difference. that concessions need to be made.

so martin agrees to those concessions, and georgie starts spending more time at the hospital, to pick up the slack that martin leaves.

and then jon wakes up. don't, peter tells him. if you want this to work, you can't. it'll be easier if you don't think about it.

it works for a while, too. not that it's gotten easier at all like peter promised (and he has, quietly, sent georgie a single message to ask if he's okay, because that's all he needs to make it), but because martin is stubborn. because he's this far in, and if he can be the one to keep everyone safe, then he will.

it's working well enough until the evening jon's office door opens, and martin swears under his breath. the expression jon will catch on him is surprise, panic, before it's carefully arranged into something more neutral. busted. ]

Comments

[corkscrewed]

Yeah, I- of course. Of course I can.

[ but he's going to watch jon go before he finally gets up himself, heading to the kitchen to try to clear his head while he puts the tea on. ]

[epistemological]

[ He tugs on a light t-shirt and the trousers he'd mentioned, padding his way back to the kitchen and letting his fingers settle light on the small of Martin's back. ]

You didn't hurt me. And you didn't make me... uncomfortable. I do want that to be clear.

[corkscrewed]

[ martin's posture corrects slightly at the feeling of the fingers pressing against the small of his back. ]

No, it's - it's okay. It's better this way, anyway. Tea will- it'll be ready soon, if you want to get the movie ready.

[epistemological]

It's not-

[ He breathes in and out, does it slowly, and leans over to press a kiss to Martin's cheek. One he keeps soft and quick before heading to the living room to start up the movie.]

[corkscrewed]

[ martin shifts slightly, like he's considering chasing the kiss down, but - space.

space.

he swallows and waits for the tea to steep, before bringing it out to the couch. he keeps the lights on behind him as he settles down next to jon. ]

[epistemological]

[ It becomes apparent just how much space Jon wants as he tucks up against Martin once the other man sits down.]

Should have chased me.

[ There's a faint curl to the corner of his lip.]

None of- not that. You just get a bit of a face when you want more. Your eyes stay closed a moment after.

[corkscrewed]

That's not fair. I always want more from you.

[ martin's voice is quiet, a little hollow as he leans forward, settling the tea onto the coffee table to let it cool enough to drink. he doesn't pull away from jon, but he doesn't quite wrap his arm around him, either. ]

Start the movie?

[epistemological]

[ He doesn't say anything to that as he nods and pushes the play button on the controller, reaching forward to let it sit on the coffee table before he lets himself settle up against Martin's shoulder.]

[corkscrewed]

[ martin will eventually, eventually, relax slightly - and move enough to sort of. drape his arm around jon's shoulders, like he's a teenager at the movies. ]

[epistemological]

[ Jon will glance at the arm, shift up towards it in an invitation, but his focus is on the movie. ]

[corkscrewed]

[ he hesitates. fidgets. sighs, and then sort of just wraps jon in it, while still refusing to look at anything but the television. ]

[epistemological]

[ Jon pointedly doesn't make a sound of satisfaction at that. Instead, he sinks into the hold and relaxes to watch the movie. It becomes clear as the movie really kicks in that he genuinely loves this movie, and he might be mouthing along with some of the lines. ]

[corkscrewed]

[ it will become similarly clear, halfway through the movie, that martin is more interested in watching jon than watching the film. and, when he starts mouthing along, martin will do his best to not laugh - which he only barely manages. ]

[epistemological]

[ After a particularly emphatic miming of a line with a warm smile on ("Got a lot of fun memories with that dog.") he looks up at Martin and the grin only goes a little wider.

Then he lets his eyes close for a moment and breathes in deep, clearly- clearly in a kind of peace that is very rare for him.]

[corkscrewed]

[ the grin makes his heart flip, and martin leans down, pressing a kiss to the skin of his forehead at the sight of the unusual peace on jon's face. ]

It's an interesting movie.

[ that he's only mostly paying attention to. ]

[epistemological]

[ The peaceful expression remains, though it curls at the corners and his voice, when he speaks, has the same syrupy quality it did when he'd talked to the cat what felt like a lifetime ago.]

It's utterly ridiculous. But rather fun.

[corkscrewed]

It is pretty fun.

[ martin hesitates, then admits- ]

I've seen it myself. I, um- I played it for you. When you were in the hospital.

[epistemological]

[ He looks up at Martin. Considers something to say. And, instead, reaches a hand out to take Martin's with his.]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I died.

But-

I came back.

[corkscrewed]

[ martin hesitates, before he squeezes jon's hand with his own - tightly, but briefly, and then he releases it just as quickly. ]

I can't let you die again. That's all.

[ firmly. ]

[epistemological]

Then don't kill what's keeping me here.

[ The hand squeezes just a little.]

Don't kill what matters to me.

[corkscrewed]

... that's not fair, Jon. You can't just say that. You're - that's not fair.

[ he's staring at the television. ]

[epistemological]

[ He remembers what he said.

He remembers being... so angry. Feeling so trapped. Not knowing what to do, or how to handle it. Knowing he was turning into a monster.

He's still scared. He's still so scared, with his mind filling in blanks he doesn't want and everything having gone to hell while he was asleep. He's still terribly scared. But he's never done well on the defensive. He's proactive.

Sometimes he's wrong. Often he's wrong. But he believes in doing something. Especially when something needs to be done.]

Then I suppose we'll have to make it fair.

[corkscrewed]

Life - life doesn't work that way.

[ he remembers watching this movie, staring at his laptop screen and praying for jon to wake up. wondering if he would, ever - wondering if he could hear a goddamn thing that was being said or plead to him.

martin peels his arm away from jon's shoulders, sitting up straight and shifting closer to the arm of the sofa, a vain attempt to put more space between them. ]

Is there very much left?

[epistemological]

[ Jon doesn't chase him. He sits up as well. Frowns at the screen.]

Not too much left. But it's my favorite part.

[ They were just getting to the tomb now. He watches Indiana Jones point out that there's no 'J' in the Latin version of Jesus, a flicker of a smile on as he jumps between the tiles. When they get to the bridge of faith, he looks over.]

Why not?

[corkscrewed]

Since when are you the optimistic one?

[ he doesn't want to be frustrated. he doesn't. ]